Years before I moved to Australia. I was looking for that inner peace.
I could hear nature calling me. Calling me home. Yet I didn’t know where home was.
At the time I thought it was just being in nature that my soul was calling me too.
When in reality it was calling me home to my inner peace. Which I know now, is strongly connected to nature.
However I didn’t see or realise how much I still did not have that within me. Even when I made the big move to Austraila.
I was happy to be leaving an old life behind. I was happy to feel a new energy. I was happy to be experiencing life in a different way. I was so excited.
I had everything I ever dreamed of. Nature close by, clean fresh air and close to the sea.
Beauty and peacefulness around me. It is absolute bliss.
Except where was it within me? Where was my inner peace? My happiness? My joy?
I still had this deep sadness within me. That wasn't going away.
Even though I had worked through so much of the trauma I had from CPTSD. I still had more to go. I would feel myself contracting at times. I would work on an emotion that had presented itself.
Expand myself and then boom!
I would contract in again. Even further.
I knew that from these experiences. This was stopping me from having and living the life of my dreams.
So how could I attract what I truly desired. If I was in a contraction state all the time?
From what I could see, It was impossible.
It’s like filling up a cup with water. It only holds so much before it overflows.
And this is how I was feeling.
My dreams and desires I wanted in my life. Felt like the expansive ocean.
However the container I had for them, was a small delicate cup.
The two were never going to fit.
I knew I had to change the container. The container being myself.
So I did.
I worked on myself in ways where I stripped away layer upon layer of trauma. I kept going and going and going. I went deeper and deeper into my shamanic drumming. I kept going day after day after day.
Some days my hands and arms were in pain from the amount of drumming I was doing.
Yet I knew I had to keep going. I had to go as deep as I could. Because I no longer wanted to have a small cup as my container.
I had days of pure joy and others of pure pain.
I was purposely cracking myself open. And I wasn’t stopping until I was there.
I knew that the deeper I went. The more I would open up to the ocean I so wanted to feel.
I had to do the work to get there. It wasn’t coming to me. I had to go to it.
It wasn’t the small delicate cup that held my peace. The safety that I thought I had created for myself.
In actual fact it was the vast ocean. With all its calm and stormy waters.
The inner peace that I was looking for all along. Was waiting there for me, right in the depths of this ocean.
My ocean I travelled to. Was huge, vast and grand. Some days it was calm and peaceful. Other days it was the biggest storm of the sea. I twisted and turned. Swam and drown. Floated and sunk. Cried with joy and cried with pain. Felt rescued and abandoned.
Every single thing you can think of, while being stuck at sea, I felt it. It was totally out of my control. Yet at the same time, I felt very much in control.
I knew what I was getting myself into, and I knew that everything would be ok once I got there. However what I didn't know, was that I would experience all the different and vast emotions that we all go through as human beings. Sometimes so many in one day, that I would sit there feeling numb. With no energy and absolutely exhausted.
Until the day came... when I finally found that inner peace in the huge vastness of this ocean within me.
Right there in the middle of it, was my pure calmness.
My inner peace... was me finally feeling pure freedom.
I took one huge breath and whispered, Im free.
No more trauma pain. No more anxiety attacks. No more; of those feelings.
No more.
I had found my inner peace. And for that I was truly happy that I swam to the depths of my ocean.
It wasn't easy and some days felt so long. But it was so worth it.
Now I'm living the best life I've ever had!
If you feel like you want to get to the depths within you. But are unsure how.
Send me a message and lets chat. I have many tools and guidance to help you along the way.
Infinite love to you.
Monique
