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Healing Myself On A Continuous Journey

Updated: May 14, 2020

My marriage had ended and I was in a horrible space. I had next to no money. My house was an absolute pig sty! Everything around me was dark and gloomy.

Luckily for me my wonderful parents came and helped me clean my whole house and give it the top to bottom clean it so deserved.

I was working a part time job at the time while working in my business. And deep down I just knew that everything that I once had known to be my life – I had to let it all go.

This was including stepping away from my business and getting a full time job. It literally hurt my heart to do this. But at the same time a huge relief.

This meant I could step back from everything that was causing my pressure in my life. The biggest one had already left… now it was time to focus on me.

I was literally living in a cave. Because I was so stressed all the time I couldn’t see any of the mess that was surrounding me. I avoided people coming over because of this. I avoided anything that called for a lot of energy. And I just sunk away into my dark cave. Waiting, for the day I could walk out… that’s if I was going to walk out. That is what you call PTSD.


With PTSD you have no idea what your future looks like. Because you literally can only last from day to day. You don’t know how to even look towards the future. Let alone how you’re doing to get there.


For some reason before my marriage ended I decided to start making a change with myself. I was overweight. Unhappy with no social life. I had also experienced my second miscarriage on the day I started my new part time job. I was absolutely devastated. I also had no emotional support from my then husband. Little did I know he was giving that support to someone else.


So here I was… at a point in my life where I didn’t like my job. I didn’t like myself nor my body. I didn’t like how alone I was all the time. And I definitely didn’t like my marriage. So I swallowed my emotions and made out that I was fine.


How did I get to this point? I really can’t tell you that. It just happened over time. So I decided to give myself a goal that would push me out of my comfort zone. I decided to enter a bodybuilding comp. I had a lot free time. So I could go to the gym morning and night. So I did.


I joined a gym that I felt inspired me and I just went for it. I cut all food out of my diet that i knew didn’t agree with my body. Which was anything high in carbs and sugar. And gradually over 8 months time I had lost 20kgs. By the time the 8 months came around I had kicked my then husband to the curb and never looked back.

But even though I was looking after myself well and exercising and eating well. I was still experiencing PTSD. It took me another 10 months or more to come out the other side.


This is what I did over that time:


*Eating clean lean food. What you put inside your body is fuel. So the cleaner it is, the cleaner you will be. Also your stomach is your second brain. Where you physically process emotions. Having a healthy gut health is very important.


*Exercising at the gym 5-6 days a week. I needed to do this amount to stop me from having episodes from the PTSD. An episode is when you get triggered by someone or something. It could be simple as a flash or someone shouting at you. Which triggers a memory that you’ve shoved away. Then it takes you straight back to that point when it all happened and it’s like you’re living it all over again. But this time the emotions come with it. I did actually have an episode… and it’s very confusing and painful to experience again. But what I can say with this, is that once you’ve moved through that emotion. It won’t come up again. (Phew she said)


*Daily affirmations became my best friend. One thing I do believe in, is that everyone should do this daily. Steve Nobel does a very good one on Youtube. Called Radiant Health. Which I’ve been listening to every morning before I start my day. You’ll notice a change in yourself over time. For me it helped me to keep going and not just curl up and stay home. Which I could have done so easily.


*Yoga I delved deep into any yoga festivals or retreats that I felt called to, that revolved around yoga. Yoga helps you to slow down and connect with yourself and your breath. Allowing you to come back to your center. Where your calm, peace, happiness and joy reside.


*Family and friends. I would go visit my parents in Tauranga or hang with my friends. Friends that would fill up my tank. Help me to laugh again and just allow me to be me.


*Shamanic journeying weekly. I was guided by a friend to a group who did shamanic drumming. This was amazing in what I was shown. The drums are very much like the American Indians with their drums. They guide you into how to journey through different worlds for you to get any insightful messages that may help you in your life. That’s a brief overview of it. But I found this helped me to find my inner strength again.


*Holotropic breath work. Some friends of mine that held a yoga retreat did this work with us. And I just felt amazing afterwards. I couldn’t believe how different I felt. I literally felt like a new person. This is a therapeutic breathing practice that is intended to help with emotional healing and personal growth. It produces an altered state of consciousness. … You are guided through the exercise by someone who is trained in this emotional release modality. You are literally saturating your body with over 80% of oxygen. Which flushes out all the toxins. For me I found this to be the most influential in releasing all the PTSD symptoms I had.


*Rest and recoup. When I felt the need to rest and not do anything. I would. If it meant staying home and watching movies all day. Then I would. It’s very important to give yourself time out when you need it.


*Ecstatic dance weekly. Every week I would go to ecstatic dance. Which was a safe space to go to and just dance however you pleased to uplifting music. No drugs or alcohol allowed.


*Spirit festival. I found this to be so eye opening for me. No drugs or alcohol were allowed. There were all types of music, workshops, vegan food, market stalls and just genuine happy loving people. It felt so nice and very safe too.


*Kirtan. Singing mantras that help you to uplift and connect to your heart. I found this to be such a huge healing space for me. I also found my singing voice that I had kept hidden for a very long time.


*Daily prayers. Every morning I will burn palo santo or white sage to clear the energies around me. Then light an incense stick while asking for help from my spirit guides with any situation I didn’t have clarity on. I would also ask for protection and to feel safe. (It’s Very important to feel safe if you have or have had PTSD)


So that was the list of all the things I did last year that helped me to move through PTSD so quickly. Yes I delved deep. Yes I pushed myself out of my comfort zones. Yes I had days where I fell to the floor to my knees with tears steaming down my face. Yes I would be wondering what I’m doing and if this was all worth it. And yes I did have days where I wanted to just give up and not survive.

But I can say over a year later…. I’m a new me. I will always have healing to do. But I am so proud of what I’ve accomplished and continue to accomplish. Life just gets better and brighter every day.


And if I’m not feeling me, I will go back to one of my many new tools, that I know will help me to reconnect and center back to my true self.

Because regardless of what you’ve been through in your life. We are all here to experience the same thing.


Love for self. Love for the neighbour. Love for our planet and love with another. While we connect and find our true self. (Which you only access when you love yourself first!)


You’re welcome to connect with me if you need help in finding you true self within and to start loving you again. We can have a one on one chat to give you some clarity of where you want to go and what to do. CLICK HERE


Much Love

Monique

#lifestyle #decisionmaking

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