Updated: Nov 6, 2020
Looking back on it all this marriage was actually a Karmic relationship. Karmic relationships are not meant to last, they are usually the biggest life lessons in love. They are different from twin flame and soulmate relationships.
In a spiritual context, karmic relationships are viewed from the lens of personal growth.
To end a Karmic relationship, you have to pay back your Karmic debt to the other person and/or learn whatever lesson you were supposed to learn from that relationship. Once that's done, you are free.
...and now my story about why my marriage was a binding contract.
At the time I thought it was what I wanted. Yet looking back on it all now, I can see so clearly that this was a Karmic relationship. It was this, that was the binding contract for me.
Which I had no concept of at all.
The lessons I had to learn through this, were…. Personal growth, Spiritual growth and the last was to experience this truly, so I can teach others about it too.
I never truly honoured myself or my true emotions. I just let it unfold. I let him call the shots., because I was drawn in by our karmic ties . Because this relationship was a Karmic relationship, there felt a need within me to keep going through this. Even though part of me didn’t want to.
It would take years before I could get to heart of what was going on.
So when we first met, it was like I had met someone that I had known for years. Days felt like weeks. Weeks felt like months and months felt like years.
Things were unfolding at a rapid speed and I had no time or space to breathe. It was totally encompassing over my entire being. I got lost within the vortex of this all. I got sucked down and in. Only to be spat out 9 years later.
If I had known what I do now, I wouldn’t have walked this dark and heavy path for such a long period of time.
I would have worked through everything within a couple of months and then moved on with a lot more confidence within myself.
However that is not what happened.
This is what happened…
It all started when we went for a trip overseas, to sort out some medical thing he had to get done. We had been together for one year or two by then. Once we had got all the appointments over with. We decided to catch up with some of his friends while there.
One thing lead to another and way too much alcohol had been consumed.
We ended up having a huge fight and I had said, once we are back home.
Thats it, Im done!
Im not interested in taken this any further. I knew I was speaking my truth.
I felt it to my core with such strength. It definitely wasn't the spur of the moment thing. Nor was it drunken talk.
I knew deep down that if I carried it on. He would forever treat me with disrespect.
AND then he did what no man should ever do in moments like these.
He proposed to me... I had no idea what he said. I didn’t hear a thing. All I remember is crying and saying yes.
HOW! How did this happen in such a moment that went from a definite no to a whimpering yes?
I knew not to marry him.
So why did I say yes?
Scared of being on my own? Feeling like I was running out of time? Feeling like I had to say yes? Making a split second decision on fear?
No it was none of that. It was all Karmic.
All I know is that he saw my weakness point. He knew that if he didn't do it then. I would never say yes.
So he jumped at that weakness to make sure I said yes.
From that day forward it was like I was under a spell. Which was the binding contract to the marriage.
I felt obliged to go ahead with it all, even at times all I wanted to do was run. And I mean run to the other side of the world and never come back. I had warnings left, right and centre. Yet I chose not to see any of them.
At the time I couldn’t explain why I felt like I had to stay with what I was experiencing. Looking back on it now, I totally understand.
I was stuck in it. It was like a whirlpool. Holding me down, not being able to breathe.
Im not meaning physically stuck. Im meaning on a karmic cycle stuck, like whatever I was going through I had to experience. I had to complete this cycle. Because for some reason it felt so important for me to complete.
I knew we had many past lives together, thats why it felt like a binding contract. The only way it was going to end, was by walking this path and allowing it to come to an end. Not forcing it.
Not ending it short. But to actually walk it. Until it was completely done.
How did I know about all this? I have the gift of sight. What I mean by this, is that I am able to see past life connections to things when they are being played out with a person.
At moments they would hit me with a flash. One minute I would be here and next it was like I was teleported to another world.
There was one that I remembered so vividly, It was set back in medieval times. Where he had to go off to fight. I stayed on our farm and raised our two children. For him to never return back home again.
The despair I felt and the difficulty I could feel was incredibly intense.
Then in seconds I was back to now time, in tears saying. “Don’t leave me with two children again. Please don’t do that. I don’t want to feel this pain again”.
I had no idea what was coming out of my mouth. All I knew was that I was in the most incredible pain. One that felt so real, like I was actually there.
Over the years, all sorts of different things would unfold like this, or even in my dream state. Repeating over and over. It was the pain that was a trigger hook, the more that would unfold. The more pain I would feel.
Eventually the visions all stoped and it ended up playing out in the now time and instead of the past lives hurting me. It was him hurting me, in any possible way he could.
It was so overwhelming, that at times I thought it was my imagination taking me on a wild ride. There were just so many, I lost count.
When in actual fact it was my soul telling me what to expect if I kept going down this track.
I didn’t listen to any of the pre warnings I chose to ignore them, purely because I wasn’t equipped with the tools that I now have to use. I was afraid of the outcome. I was afraid of where I was truly meant for me in this life. I was afraid to cut the ties with this Karmic relationship.
All the energetic history that was there. Every single thing, that lead us to this very moment. Was all wrapped up in this relationship. It was full throttle. It was extreme emotions. It was high up’s and dark downs. It was an emotional rollercoaster. One that I just could not get off. Being pulled here, and there. No sense of self, no sense of being able to be me. No space to just breathe.
This time though... it truly was coming to end. For good. Never to repeated again, in any realm.
At the time I wasn’t equipped enough to notice how to get out of a karmic relationship quick.
So that was the reason why I stayed for such a long period of time.
My lesson was that I had actually became the student to really learn and experience what its like to go through a karmic relationship. One that I had to totally embody before making any sense of it. Before I could move forward with what I was truly meant to do with my life.
Because I can see into these energy dynamics, it made it very hard for me at the time.
To understand what it was that I needed to learn from this. so I could set myself free. My head was telling me to stay to fulfil my marriage oath, My karmic memory was telling me to stay in the marriage to fulfil a relationship that had been cut short in a past life. Yet my intuition was telling me this union was destructive, as was my body.
By not listening to any of the warnings that I was given and to constantly second guess my intuition and keep working on the marriage. When I knew it was over.
Left me with CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder).
This was the consequence of not saying yes to myself to begin with. Not speaking my truth throughout it and most of disregarding what I truly felt. Allowing myself to be sucked into the karmic relationship vortex and then spat out the other end. Broken, afraid and feeling very isolated and alone.
It pushed me into a darkness that I never knew existed. One that took me years to get out of. A place I would never wish on anyone.
It made me see the world and people in a completely different view, and for that view to be forever changed.
Was there good that came from this?
It made me see what I did and didn't want in my life. It softened me to a place that only accepted love and nothing else and also made me a warrior woman.
Standing up for my truth and for the underdog. Never letting another to treat me in a way of disrespect.
Standing my ground in honour with truth, integrity and most of all love.
Love for myself first and foremost. Then love for others.
It made me reach out and participate in things that I would have never thought of trying beforehand. It also helped me to find my tribe of people that I had longed for, for so long.
Within the three years of intense healing and walking this path of darkness, it allowed me to find the real me. The one hidden away for so long. The one I was so scared to be.
And also to find hidden treasures locked within me, that I never knew existed.
So for now I take the lessons I got from this, and that was to know myself on such a deep level. That no one would sway me in any way, especially when I said no.
Be strong in my values, to always love myself first and to not look to others to fill me up.
To see life as a gift and enjoy every single moment. Even the not so happy moments.
As a summary, here are a few things as to what I have learnt from being in a Karmic relationship.
Learning to love myself for who I am. Not looking for outside validation.
Standing up for my truth.
Finding my voice.
Never letting another to treat me with disrespect.
Pushing past my comfort zones to understand that my true hidden gems were in the most uncomfortable places I had ever been before.
Seeing how far my body could be taken to awaken new things within me.
Getting out and meeting new people, who then became my tribe.
Putting myself in places where I hadn’t been before, going to yoga retreats and tantra workshops and any others that called to me. Which got me to understand myself in much deeper ways.
Understanding that some things you do as habits are actually hidden ways of stopping you to move forward. A form of self sabotage. This is the sign to look deeper within.
Understanding that my triggers are my way to work through hidden traumas. Also once I’ve dealt with it, its forever done.
Not being scared of anything new. Give it a try and if I don’t like it. Thats ok.
It's ok to not feel ok, there will be days that are hard to navigate. However always knowing that this too shall pass. Its never as bad as what it is, when you’re in it. Remember better is always waiting for you.
Constantly work on your mindset. It's a big part of where you go in life.
Exercise actually helps you through periods of difficulty really well. Use it to help you shift through emotions and stress. Not only that, make it a regular thing in your life. It's amazing how much it helped me in periods when I didn’t know what to do. It's a great confidence enhancer.
Understanding that things that keep repeating in different manners, are actually karmic lessons. Pinpoint them early, and you will learn the lesson fast. In quantum leaps.
Understanding energy and using it to break through blocks, energetic ties and bounds that keep me stuck in a place that I didn’t need to be in for a long period of time.
Using tools and healers, teachers, guides to help me shift through a block that I couldn’t shift myself.
Constantly expanding my awareness and being the student of life. Learning is what helps you to be a better version of you.
Connecting to parts of me that were waiting to be ignited.
Becoming a stronger and wiser healer.
Unlocking more healing abilities within me.
Connecting to parts of me that I had forgotten from ancient times. Which lead me to understand healing and working with spirit on a whole new level.
Being able to read people and truly trust my instincts straight away.
Having full trust and faith in the universe and where I am being guided. Even when I have no idea how it will unfold or when or what will happen.
Here are some of the tools I used to help heal me from CPTSD. These are useful for anyone that’s wanting to shift through energetic blocks or situations that you are unsure about.
Shamanic journeys. That help your mind to get out of the way and allow your energy to be explored in ways that show you other aspects of yourself hidden within. I am now a shamanic healer, and seeing the leaps and bounds people have with this is amazing! Including myself.
Meditation daily to help keep the monkey mind quiet and to stop the over thinking.
Journaling to write your thoughts out on paper. Burn it afterwards if you feed the need. It's a great way to release what you no longer need.
Dancing to your favourite music. Turn it up loud and dance dance dance. Go for it. Shake it out and get the energy flowing back in your body.
Sing to songs that truly uplift your spirit. Try Kirtan - singing mantras. This is a great way to open your heart and make you feel amazing from the inside out.
Exercise! Do not underestimate the power of exercise. It has such huge benefits in helping your mind and body health.
Yoga is always a great way to slow down and really connect with your body. One breath at a time.
Holotropic Breathwork is a powerful way to shift trauma and other deep seated emotions. It is a combination of deep and rapid breathing. It's taken by a facilitator, and helps you to heal previous emotional or physical trauma. Symptoms of depression, emotional release and creative inspiration come with it. Many people also report that it helps them connect to a deeper feeling of meaning and purpose in their lives, as well as a greater feeling of authenticity in their daily life. You can try the Wim Hoff method or any others out there. I found this to be absolutely beneficial for me in shifting the CPTSD fast.
Even though I experienced some horrible things while in this marriage. I also see this is as a gift so that I can help shift you through what you are experiencing, in a much faster way.
To give you tools to use on a daily basis, that can help turn and shift a direction in your life quickly.
You have the choice to choose the outcome, it's all up to you.
Tools that helped me to shift through CPTSD, are also tools that even you can use to make life a beautiful masterpiece.
When it comes to Karmic relationships, you have to walk that path. Until it's done.
Just don't do what I did and hang on for longer than needed, because you think that's the right thing to do. When all too well I knew it was over years before it ended.
Walk away when you know its done. You’ll save yourself. Thats the most important thing.
Always listen to those inner feelings. That deep knowing inside. Because those whispers, are your truth. And it's your truth that will guide you, to where you need to be.
Trust yourself, it's the only way to live life to the fullest. And if you’re unsure of how to trust yourself. It's time to learn.
If you feel you need more help in your life contact Monique @ firstname.lastname@example.org or sign up to the email for free content.
Much love to you.