There were times when the feelings of pain would come along and rip me open. Like I had never experienced before.
I’d be collapsed on the floor in absolute tears. Screaming with pain. It wasn’t the fact that I missed him. It was more the undoing of all the events that happened. Ones that were traumatising, that I decided it was easier to swallow at the time rather than dealing with it head on. I guess it was also because I knew there would be consequences to my actions.
So it was better to stay quiet. So he had no excuse to use it against me.
Because whenever a fight would happen, and it got to a point where it was daily. He would use every bit of information against me. Even bringing in my family and friends. Like it was their fault we were fighting. Looking back on it now. It was exactly how a narcissist manipulates you.
So for me and my own safety, I swallowed my strength as a woman. A wahinetoa… one whom was brought up amongst other strong influential women. One who got taught to speak her voice. One who got taught to fight alongside the boys. One who was taught from family to not take any shit and never back down.
This… I swallowed. I dimmed, I shrunk down to nothing. So he wouldn’t keep beating me down with words. I let him win.
There were times I would stand up to him and give out a slight roar. Just enough to make him retract back into himself. But this was a side of me that I didn’t like to see.
As I knew the backlash would be even bigger… from within me. It scared me.
It was something I couldn’t control. I always knew I had this inner wildness in me that once unleashed I wouldn’t be able to control.
Like a bush fire. Once it was lit… nothing was able to stop it. Not even me.
Because in those situations it was like something else took over me. Another force that I didn’t know existed. One that I wasn’t sure was the best to follow. One that scared me. Because of it’s power.
For in my heart of hearts… I knew that this was not me. It was a reaction to the situations I was in.
So after a couple of months of being on my own. These emotions would hit me every now and then.
It was a pain so deep it literally felt like my heart was ripping open. There was nothing else I could do but just roll with the pain.
Trying to stop it was like, trying to stop a freight train at high speed. If you got in the way, you’d be smashed over.
Except my freight train was my emotions.
There were times when I would be reaching for comfort in anything I could think of doing. Being with friends, family or doing things I loved…. nothing was helping me. Nothing.
It got to a point where I thought… well I can either keep living like this and be in victim mode and not living my best life. Or I can do something about this and change my life for the better. I chose better.
Because at the end of the day it was me that I should of chosen all those years ago. So now I do choose me, and I choose to delve into this wild woman inside of me. I choose to find my lioness and bring her forward. Without being scared. Without being timid of her. Without pushing her down.
It’s time to search and delve into this space, one I’ve never been before except in times of survival. It’s time to reach for her soul.
It was these times of intense emotions that I learnt more about myself than I had ever learnt in my entire life. There’s something so healing about reaching into the depths of your darkness. At times it like you’re dying, and nothing or no one can save you.
It’s a time when you need to be open and raw and face these dark days with everything you have. Because it’s in these places that you find the real you. The one you’ve been hiding. The one you’ve kept quiet. The one who wants to shine so bright.
For she has forever been there with me in darkness. It’s time we join forces and not be against each other. It’s time to rise as strong women. It’s time we do it for ourselves. It’s time we empower one another to bring this forward as one. It’s time.
I see you, I breathe you, I am you.
© Monique Vette 2019